As a pre-warning, this post is going to contain foul language, and also express emotion that is frustration (and more) – some of which is directly aimed at myself. I am overall happy with myself, but today has been troublesome, and I needed to express that.
Being a creative is fucking hard.
Yes, I know. I sound privileged and pompous to the extreme. “Oh you were born with talent to do something other people can’t do boo hoo.” Yes, I agree, I sound terrible, and part of why I’m so upset about this is because I KNOW that. I know I sound ridiculous, but it doesn’t stop making me feel how I feel. I also know that my frustration is mainly caused BY me, because a lot of these problems that I am facing are fixable, but my brain and my heart refuse to work together to create a cohesive decision.
I suppose that’s enough self-deprecating rambling for now, on to the actual issue.
I’m not writing. But I need to be writing. Those of you who know me know I’m working on a book. A novella, perhaps even a novel. It is consuming my mind. I’m constantly thinking about it, things I could do and themes I could use and sequels and spinoffs, it’s all so fascinating. Yet when I sit down to write, I find the physical act of typing words… impossible. My mental ink running dry. My creative sauce bottle blocked up. It’s infuriating! And I want to figure out why. But I don’t feel like I’m equipped with the tools to do so. Again, this is frustrating. Mainly because there’s so many things that I WANT TO DO.
Let’s list the things I want to do:
- Finish the book.
- Write a sequel to said book.
- Write a spin off book, containing two short stories and some vignettes inspired by two elements inside of the original book.
- Create a “Zine” of my entry into the photography world, that I have created, and give copies to the 2 people that inspired me to take up photography.
- Design a table top role-playing game and take it to the world’s biggest TTRPG convention, Gen Con.
- Write a screenplay
- Create another new universe for me to write a book series in, something more post-apocalyptic.
I’m hoping, in 2019, I will write more. Maybe get 1 of these projects finished. After the first one is done, the rest can be done in any order, but the order I listed them in makes the most sense to me. It’s not that I don’t have time, it’s that I don’t make use of that time. Even when I want to.
But, by the same token, I said the exact same thing last year, so who knows? Perhaps at the end of 2019 you’ll see the exact same post, ranting that I’ve failed to meet my own expectations once again.
Let’s see, eh?